Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
