I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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