sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
