Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
