he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
