I am midnight drunk by noon
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
