So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
