Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
