he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
