Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
