I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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