Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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