her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize