She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
pray to the hookup gods
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