Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
