apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
