there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There's even glitter on my cock...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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