Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
