I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
