So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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