He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
