The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
