It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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