I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
