can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
