My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize