I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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