I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
