Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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