Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
