I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
