he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
