Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
