there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
