moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My vagina is very pro this idea
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