That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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