My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
