And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
