i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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