So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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