He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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