im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
