I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
