I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
