Bisexual people are plain selfish.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
