Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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