I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
