Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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