my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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