College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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