You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
