Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
