My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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