i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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