White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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