You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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