Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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