Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
