My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
pop tarts are not kleenex
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
