Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
