You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
