i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
