i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my liver is dry heaving
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize