I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
