I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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