hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
