I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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